Stories in Our Lives
by DarkElements10
Summary: "Don't be afraid to talk to somebody, anybody—me, if it sneaks up on ya." Jay goes to talk to Antonio after a late night on shift. [Set between Now is Always Temporary and Thirty Balloons] [ONE-SHOT]


**Stories in Our Lives**

**By: Rhuben**

**Summary-"Don't be afraid to talk to somebody, anybody—me, if it sneaks up on ya." Jay goes to talk to Antonio after a late night on shift. [Set between Now is Always Temporary and Thirty Balloons] [ONE-SHOT]  
**

**A/N: **Quote in the summary (and below in italics) are from the Chicago PD episode, _Now is Always Temporary_.

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Jay Halstead was a good cop.

As part of the Intelligence Unit, he wanted nothing but to clear the streets of every danger and threat that roamed the streets of Chicago. It was his home and he would be damn sure to keep it as safe as he could for anybody and everybody that wanted to live there. Everybody deserved the right to stay safe and to live happily.

If he couldn't be happy around this time of year, he'd want someone else to be.

But, he wouldn't be. He didn't think he ever would be. As long as Gail and Danny Corson mourned the loss of their son, Ben, he would mourn, too. As long as Lonnie walked free, as if his sick and twisted act never happened, he'd never get peace.

Jay blinked open his eyes, staring up at the ceiling of his apartment before angling his head towards the dark bottle in his hand. He shook it back and forth, feeling the weight. He had barely put a dent in it. Sitting up, removing his hand from behind his neck, the back of it aching from how hard and how long it was pressed into the arm rest of his couch, he set the beer bottle down onto the small wooden table that sat in front of him.

He rested his elbows on his knees before putting his face into his hands. He let out a long, deep sigh which turned into a guttural scream growing louder and louder by the second. He pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes, color bursting and swirling in front of him. His throat hurt, his heart hurt, his whole body hurt.

He could still see Ben Corson lying in the reeds, staring with lifeless eyes up at the sky, he could see Dean Masters move the gun towards his chin…he could still see Kyle…

A sob escaped past his lips, tears flooding his eyes. He sucked in a breath through his nose as his shoulders started to shake. His vision blurred as one tear, and then two slipped down his cheeks. His lips trembled as he slowly breathed in a shaky breath of air. He clenched his teeth, clenched his hands.

Jay slapped is hands down onto the table before getting to his feet. He walked over to the front door and reached for his coat, violently ripping it off of the coat rack, watching as it pitched back and forth but didn't fall over. He slid his arms into his coat and reached into the pocket for his keys before stepping out of the apartment. He closed the door behind him and locked it before taking strong, wide steps down the hall, the floor shaking.

He made his way down the stairs and out the front door of the apartment building. He crossed the parking lot in quick strides and unlocked the driver's seat door, after missing the key hole a couple of times. He dropped into the driver's seat and slammed the door shut behind him, slapping the heel of his palm down onto the lock before slumping in his seat.

He sat for a moment, staring off into space, his eyes flickering towards headlights of the cars that drove past. He hastily wiped at his eyes before reaching his keys towards the ignition. He started the car and it shook as he reached for his seat belt, pulling it across his chest, sliding it into the buckle with a click. There was a dull thunk as he released the parking brake. He shifted the car into reverse, backed out of the spot, and then headed off into the night.

He didn't really know where he was going. He allowed himself to take every turn his body told him to take as he stared blankly at the road ahead of him as he drove through Chicago. One hand gripped the top of the steering wheel, the other cradling the side of his head, elbow resting on the window sill.

Before he knew it, he had pulled up to Antonio Dawson's house. He looked around the yard at the bike that lay in the front yard, at the basketball that sat at the edge of the driveway, and the basketball hoop hanging off the garage.

Jay closed his eyes and he could see the anger, the anguish, and the worry on Antonio Dawson's face when he found out his son, Diego, was taken from him by a member of Pulpo's gang. He couldn't being imagine what Antonio or his wife, Laura, had gone through. The worry of not knowing where Diego was, if he was safe, following all those leads that lead nowhere, and that video…

Jay shook his head, blinking his eyes rapidly. He had seen another side of Antonio that day. Antonio was a great detective and did everything by the book. He was a respectable man who worked out problems before jumping into action. But that day…he watched as Antonio broke down, fueled by his anger and passion for his family. For once, he put his family first in a job where you needed to keep outside distractions away from your job, at least for the time being.

_"Don't be afraid to talk to somebody, anybody—me, if it sneaks up on ya."_

Antonio's words echoed in Jay's ears as he continued to stared at the house. He then let out a sigh and turned off his car, removing his keys form the ignition before climbing out. He slammed the door shut behind him before making his way up the driveway, across the rocky path and up the wooden stairs to the door. Before he knew it, he was ringing the doorbell again, and again, and again.

The door swung open and Laura appeared, the look of annoyance instantly leaving her face as she wiped her hands on a dish towel. She peered curiously at him and Jay ran his fingers over the stubble covering his chin and upper lip.

"Is everything ok?" she asked him, her shoulders dropping slightly as she peered at him.

"No, uh, yes, I mean…" Jay briefly closed his eyes before shaking his head, an apologetic smile coming to his face. "I wanted to talk to Antonio but…it's late, I shouldn't have come at this hour. I'm sorry."

"No, no," Laura replied, reaching to grab his wrist. Her hand was warm and damp before she threw the dishtowel over her shoulder. "I'll go get him. We just finished dinner." She laughed a little bit. "I'm sure he'd love a reprieve from the dishes."

Jay laughed quietly, scratching at his nose. "Sure, uh…thanks. Thank you."

"You're welcome," Laura replied before disappearing back into the house, her footsteps fading away from the door. Jay slid his hands into his jeans pockets as he waited for his friend and fellow detective to answer the door.

"Hey," Antonio greeted him as he pulled the door open. "You ok, Halstead?" His eyebrows knitted together as he looked Jay over. "Apparently not. Laura said you looked...odd." He gave a half smile. "Not that I'd disagree with her."

"Yeah, um…you said…you told Lindsay and I to, um, talk to you if, uh, it hit us?" Jay said, scratching at his nose. "I know just saw you a couple hours ago…"

Antonio's eyebrows inched up his forehead as he slowly nodded. He grasped the door knob with his hand and leaned back into the house, shouting something in Spanish before he closed the door behind him, motioning for Jay to join him on the step. The wooden boards creaked under Jay's feet as he made his way over to the top step, slowly lowering himself to a seated position, resting his back against the railing post.

"I thought this was about Ben," Antonio said as he stretched his long legs out over the steps, putting his weight on his hands as he leaned back. "You said he'd be fifteen this year?" Jay nodded his head. He glanced back towards the house, letting out a sigh. "I'm really sorry about that, man."

"Yeah," Jay said, repeatedly nodding his head, pressing his lips together. "Thanks."

He brought a knee up to his chest, wrapping an arm around his leg. He chewed on his thumbnail before turning his head away, peering out into the darkness.

He could hear a dog barking in the distance, the sound of a neighbor rolling a trash can to the curb, and a distant car bike fire, causing him to jump. He briefly closed his eyes, clenching his hand into a fist. His fingernails dug into the palm of his hand, leaving imprints as he slowly uncurled his fingers.

Jay could feel Antonio's eyes on him and he let out a sigh before starting his explanation, "Today, with uh, Dean Masters…after everything with the Corson's…it all just hit me." He watched as Antonio nodded his head, eyebrows angled towards each other into a look of curiosity. "I barely flinched when he, uh, shot himself. I'd like to think it's because I was trained to how to act in those situations."

"Nobody wants something like that to come out of a situation," Antonio said quietly. "You could be trained how to act in any situation, but it's different when you're actually there in that moment. When you actually see it, it changes you." He tilted his head to the side."You've seen it before, haven't you?"

"I…" Jay trailed off. "How'd you…?"

"You've been going to the bar after shift a bit more than you used to," Antonio explained after a moment of silence. Jay opened his mouth to protest, and Antonio put his hands into the air. "It's your life; you can do whatever you want. I've just noticed it you've been going more often. With how tired you've been looking lately, I can assume you either haven't been sleeping or your shifts have been taking a lot out of you. Either way, it'd explain your affinity for coffee every morning."

"You've been grabbing at your shoulder a lot lately, right around where you took that bullet. And, you barely bat an eyelash when it happened," Antonio pointed out. "Now, I can't say much about that, because I reacted sort of the same way. But, I had seen it often enough. It sucks, though. When it all comes down to it, they were more worried about being sent to jail than living."

He shook his head back and forth before scratching at his chin. He shifted his gaze from jay and out across the front lawn. The two men sat in silence as a cool Chicago breeze blew over them. Jay pulled his coat tighter around himself, bringing his knees up to his chest. "At the end of the day, a family loses a son, a brother, an uncle. Someone loses someone. Who'd you lose?"

"…My friend, Kyle," Jay replied after a moment of silence. "He was in the military with me, did a couple of tours together. I'll never forget what I had seen over there." He let out a short laugh. "I don't think anyone could. He sure couldn't." He closed his eyes. "I visited him at home and we talked about how weird it was to be back, how we were adjusting and everything. He was injured in battle, torn tendons and ligaments…wasn't sure if he'd be able to walk again. The next day…he was gone."

Antonio made a noise in the back of his throat, closing his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. Jay swallowed thickly, clearing his throat before running a hand up over his face and down the back of his neck. He felt the sting of tears coming again. He and Kyle had met the day he had enlisted and been friends since. It was comforting to have a friend in their line of business. It brought some comforts of home along with him wherever he went.

"Coming back from a tour and knowing your friends, your brothers are still out there and you're home, trying to readjust to a world that's forever changing," Jay said quietly, his words shaky, barely above a whisper. He loudly sniffed, his throat burning. He started tapping his heels on the wooden step, bouncing his knees.

"You get short-tempered because no one knows and no one understands what you went through or what you saw. But, you _want _them to. So badly. I think he thought it was just easier to end it." Jay's face crumpled, his lower lip trembled. He swallowed thickly once, twice, three times. "T-they were young…they were both s-so young and had the rest of their lives a-ahead of them."

"Which explains why you punched Lonnie's old man in the gut," Antonio commented and Jay nodded his head. "I don't get it either, Halsted, but be careful."

"I know, you already told me," Jay replied, managing some strength in his voice.

"_Hey_," Antonio said, putting a hand to Jay's shoulder. "I'm being serious, ok?"

"I know," Jay replied with a nod of his head, briefly closing his eyes. "Thanks, for listening Antonio."

"Anytime," Antonio replied with a half smile. "But, if you really want to get your frustrations out, and not go punching people in the gut, at least not where they could potentially sue you for battery, I'm all for talking in the gym."

Antonio lifted his hands towards his chin, curling his fingers and punched the air a couple of times. He grinned then clapped Jay on the shoulder. "Best therapy out there, Halstead. What do ya say? First thing in the morning, I'll meet you there."

"I think I'll take you up on that offer," Jay said with a small smile, offering his hand towards Antonio. Antonio clapped his hand into Jay's and they shook hands. Antonio slapped him on the back before getting to his feet, heading back towards the door. "See you tomorrow."

"Yes, you will," Antonio replied, lifting his hand in a wave "And get ready to sweat."

**The End**

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**A/N: **After re-watching these two episodes and reading that Halstead was in the military, I wanted to write what it would be like for him to see someone commit suicide in front of him, given the idea that he had seen something like it before. Hope you liked it.

-Rhuben


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